Excavation

If you’re like me then mistakes are part of daily life. I hate making mistakes. My stomach curls up on itself and I feel paralyzed by the sickening realization of all that I am and all that I’m not. I’m a sinner. I’ll readily admit that, my theology there is firm. But the specifics of that reality, that’s where it gets harder.

This past year has been one of the hardest and best of my life. I’ve grown for sure, but it’s been a year of pruning. I had this subconscious idea that working in ministry would catapult me to new spiritual heights, but in reality, its a lot of God digging deep into the soil of my heart and pulling out so many weeds I didn’t even know were there.

When confronted with my own failings, my heart tries to curl up and protect itself, picture a centipede when you lift a big rock. I’m a big fan of the problem being someone else’s fault. Or trying to convince myself that, really I did the best I could considering the circumstances. But the shelter of self righteousness does a better job of blocking out rays of grace than it does protecting the heart. And God isn’t content to leave us there for very long.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. That was one of the first verses I ever memorized, but God’s been bringing a new understanding of the words to my heart lately. So often I’ve felt like Jonah, trying to hide from the God of the universe in the bottom of a ship headed straight into a storm. I remember thinking how dumb Jonah was when my dad read that story to me when I was little. How could anyone think they could hide from God? He is everywhere. He knows everything. And it was only God’s grace that kept Jonah’s attempts to hide from killing him. 

But it turns out that I am Jonah. I think that if I just bury my heart away, the God of the universe won’t see the times that I chose myself over him. The gentleness, the firmness, the persistence with which he draws me out of hiding and into confession and grace is something that I can’t describe. How can I explain the sorrow and rejoicing so intertwined in his excavation of my heart?

His grace is enough. I live because those words are true. My prayer is that God will make them larger in my heart every day.